1. It’s not about you.
The first secret that the narcissist does not want you to know is: it’s not about you. Now, this one’s interesting because they may have told you that a million times over: “It’s not about you; it’s about them.” And certainly, they’ve given you that impression, right? They are the important ones. However, when a narcissist is in front of you and triggering you, they are making it personal, and they’re making it seem like it’s all about you. Maybe they’re making you feel like you’re the root of all evil, and you have to defend yourself. It’s you, you, you! You feel like you’re being attacked, so it feels personal; it feels like you have to defend yourself.
But here’s the thing: just like with everything else with a narcissist, it’s about them. Even in these moments, everything they’re doing is all about them. You see, narcissists are not good at self-regulation. They’re not good at regulating their own emotions, and they are not good at regulating their own self-esteem. This is why they abuse and control—because it’s an attempt to regulate their emotions and their self-esteem.
As you might already know, or I’m sure you could imagine, control for a narcissist makes them feel powerful. It makes them feel valuable; it makes them feel like they’re better than other people. So, that helps them regulate their self-esteem. Making other people feel bad about themselves is a way for them to try to regulate their own emotions. They are using you; they are using you to make themselves feel better. So, if you have knowingly or maybe unknowingly, inadvertently challenged a narcissist’s self-esteem or upset them in some way, creating a narcissistic injury, they may go into attack mode, and it’s going to feel very personal. But here’s the thing: it’s not. It’s not about you at all. What you are witnessing is the narcissist attempting to regulate themselves, and they’re doing that by abusing you.
Read More: 5 Crazy S£xµal Habits of a Narcissist.
So, I know some of you are thinking, “Well, what does it matter why they’re doing it?” And here’s the magic in being in on this little secret: that it’s not about you, so you don’t have to take it personally. Yes, there are times when other people are involved, and it’s almost impossible to avoid taking it personally. But especially when it’s just you and the narcissist kind of going at it, and they’re pulling out all the punches, you know that that’s a direct reflection of where they are, and it has nothing to do with you.
Now, there are different types of narcissists. There is the vulnerable or covert narcissist, and there is the grandiose or overt narcissist. Research has shown that the covert narcissist or the vulnerable narcissist has a more difficult time self-regulating than the grandiose narcissist, and that I think helps explain a few things about the covert narcissist. But the truth is, whether you’re dealing with an overt or covert narcissist, narcissists are known to struggle to self-regulate. But they’ve got to make themselves feel better and feel important somehow, right? So, this is what you see coming through.
Recommended Book: Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself- By Shahida Arabi.
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