2. Every interaction is a transaction.
The second thing that the narcissist does not want you to know is: every interaction is a transaction. With narcissists, all relationships are transactional. They want to know what they’re going to get out of this, and if they’re not getting anything out of it, then they’re not going to be there. On some level, this is true of all humans, right? We all are in relationships because we’re getting something out of it. But the rest of us value different things. You might value connection; you might value love. But a narcissist looks at things differently.
It’s the lack of empathy that really gets in the way of human connection. Because they can’t really have that human connection—not like other people can—well, they can’t value it. If you can’t have it, you can’t value it. So, they value their relationships on things that are very, very transactional. They might choose a partner who makes them look good—maybe a trophy husband or a trophy wife, somebody who’s very attractive—or they may choose somebody because they have a lot of money or a nice car.
Now, this doesn’t mean that they will be nice to the person who has the thing that they want—the person who’s very attractive or the person who has a lot of money. A narcissist will actually only be nice as long as it takes to get what they want, to make that transaction. And then, once they have what they want, that’s when the other stuff comes in. That’s when the devaluing comes in, and then eventually the discard. They think they’re going to be happy if they get what they want, and they don’t get what they want. So, they try to regulate their emotions by making you miserable, and that doesn’t get them what they want either; that doesn’t get them happiness.
Related: 10 Lies All Narcissists Tell.
And so, when they’re not getting the happiness they’re after, you know, it can’t be their fault; it has to be your fault. And then comes the discard. So, how does this help you? Well, knowing that every interaction is a transaction can really help you by adopting the same kind of mentality when you’re dealing with a narcissist. So, go into every interaction understanding full well that this is transactional. Understand that the narcissist is after something, and it’s okay for you to be after something too.
Now, sometimes this can be tricky because sometimes what they’re after is to make you miserable, to make you suffer in an attempt to make themselves feel better. You don’t really want to give them that, right? If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist for a long time, there’s a good chance that you may have endured years of this—of making yourself miserable in an attempt to make that other person happy—and it has never worked, and it’s not going to work this time either. So, in this situation, I would suggest employing the gray rock technique.
Recommended Book: How To Kill A Narcissist: Debunking The Myth Of Narcissism And Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse.
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