Number 1: Mixed messages.
Mixed messages are going to be very difficult to detect with a covert narcissist early on, especially if there’s love bombing, which there usually is. They might be very flattering with their words, and they might stay in a conversation with you for a long time, signaling that they’re interested in you. But if you’re paying close attention, you might notice that it’s all smoke and mirrors. You know, when you’re genuinely interested in someone, you ask questions and you actually care about the answers. So, a covert narcissist might also ask tons of questions and even make future plans with you, but their eyes glaze over when you’re talking. It’s like they’re there, but they’re not really there.
Here are some examples so you can get a feel for what this might look like:
- They nod along to your stories but can’t remember the details later.
- They text frequently but always steer the conversation back to themselves.
- They mirror your interests, but something about it feels hollow.
And to get even more confusing, a covert narcissist may show intense interest in some things, like your vulnerabilities, for example. So, if someone gets too personal too soon and you’re seeing evidence of other red flags in this same person, it’s probably best to bow out while you can. Because if you don’t, once you get to know them a little bit better, those mixed messages start to intensify. This is when you’ll see things like ghosting and breadcrumbing.
Recommended: Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.
If you miss these early mixed messages from a covert narcissist, you’re going to find yourself headed down a cycle of intermittent reinforcement, which is a fancy way of saying they’re emotionally abusive sometimes and loving other times. And this is exactly what leads to a trauma bond. So, if you’re feeling confused by someone’s hot and cold behavior, especially early on, pay attention. It could be a sign you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.
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