Number 2: The backhanded compliments.
Have you ever had someone say something that kind of sounded like a compliment but left you feeling… I don’t know, kind of off? That’s the trademark move of a covert narcissist. They’re pros at slipping in little digs disguised as praise.
Now, here are a couple of examples:
- “Wow, you’re so brave to wear that outfit with your body type.”
- “Maybe you’re pretty smart for someone from your background.”
Ouch, right? At first, you might think maybe they’re just a little bit socially awkward and they don’t know any better. But here’s the thing: there’s usually more to it than that. You see, most of the time, covert narcissists are stewing in their own jealousy and resentment. They can’t stand seeing others shine, so they’ve got to knock you down a peg or two. But they do it in this sneaky way that makes you question if you’re just being too sensitive.
It’s like they’re testing the waters, seeing how much of their BS you’ll put up with. And if you let these so-called compliments slide, a narcissist is going to amp up the nastiness over time. So, the next time someone gives you a compliment that leaves you feeling kind of crummy, take note. It might not be you being overly sensitive. It could be a red flag waving right in front of you. Compliments should make you feel good, not leave you feeling like you’ve been slapped with a velvet glove.
A Book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
Number 3: Playing the victim.
You’ll see it stronger in some than others, but these folks have a knack for turning normal things into a personal slight against them. It’s like they’re starring in their own drama where the world is constantly out to get them. You might hear the victim mentality in bold ways like: “Nothing ever goes my way! Everyone’s always taking advantage of me!” or “I try so hard, but no one appreciates it.”
Or it may come through in a more covert way. So, they won’t outright say these things, but you’ll watch as they feel slighted by your every word or action. They can take one simple sentence and spin it into a narrative that someone is out to get them.
But of course, they won’t do this with you at first. In the beginning, look for signs that they’re playing the victim in other areas of their life. Because here’s the thing: this victim act serves one of two purposes. It’s either a way to manipulate you into providing constant support and validation, or it conveniently deflects any responsibility for their actions or failures onto someone else.
Pay attention to how often they cast themselves as the wronged party. Do they always have a story about how they’ve been mistreated? Are they quick to blame others for their problems? If so, you might be dealing with a covert narcissist. So, if you’re always playing the role of rescuer or comforter, it might be time to step back and reassess the dynamic.
And here’s a great question from one of you in the comments that I think is really important to answer here: “Could it be possible for someone to project a victim mentality and have narcissistic traits but be completely unaware that they’re doing it because of past trauma?”
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