7 Clues to Spot a Covert Narcissist in Conversation

Number 6: Deflection and defensiveness.

Now, let’s talk about how covert narcissists act when someone dares to disagree with them. It’s like watching a master class on deflection and defensiveness. You might notice they shut down conversations pretty quickly if they’re not going their way. Suddenly, they’re experts on topics they knew nothing about five minutes ago. And maybe they’ll twist your words and use them out of context to make you look bad. Not maybe, I think they actually always do this. And of course, through it all, their tone is probably going to shift, too, becoming super condescending or even hostile.

It could sound something like, “Well, actually,” followed by an insanely long lecture, or, “Let’s not argue about this, you’re clearly upset,” when you’re perfectly calm.

Here’s the thing: healthy people can disagree, and they can handle disagreement. They might not like it, but they can engage in a respectful back and forth. Covert narcissists, not so much. For them, disagreement feels like a personal attack. Their fragile ego can’t handle the idea that they might be wrong or that someone else might know more, so they lash out, shut down, or try to make you feel small for daring to have a different opinion.

So, watch out for this pattern. If you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to express a different view, it might be time to reassess that relationship. It’s okay to disagree sometimes. What’s not okay is feeling belittled or dismissed every time you do.

Number 7: They will push your boundaries in conversation.

Here’s another thing to look out for, and this might seem subtle at first. Let’s talk about how a covert narcissist will push your boundaries in conversation. A covert narcissist might test your limits in ways you barely notice at first. It might sound something like, “Come on, just one more drink. Don’t be boring,” or, “Why won’t you tell me? We’re friends, aren’t we?” They’re masters at making you feel guilty for having limits, so you might find yourself sharing more than you’re comfortable with or agreeing to things that you’d rather not do.

Pay attention to how you feel during these exchanges. If you’re getting that knot in your stomach or a spike of irritation or resentment, your internal alarm system is trying to tell you something. That resentment building up inside is a clear sign that your boundaries are under attack.

Because here’s the thing: healthy relationships respect boundaries. If you’re constantly feeling pressured or guilty in conversations, it’s time to take a step back and re-evaluate. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to keep things to yourself. And it’s definitely okay to walk away from conversations that make you feel uncomfortable.

And if you want to learn more about setting boundaries with a narcissist, click here to learn some boundaries you need to set with a narcissist.